“You’re leaving. I don’t want to go through the feeling where something’s missing.” She said.
It’s easier to be the one leaving, someone else said to me.
Where did this all sound so familiar? Oh yeah, my travel romance.
But I most certainly did not agree that it’s easier to be leaving. I know that people don’t like to show vulnerability; it’s why some of my blog posts are much more popular than others. It’s those posts that show that I am willing to be vulnerable to live life to the fullest. I think people want to relate in that way.
But when we get hurt, we can feel like these things are jeopardized; things like having trust, being honest and genuine and so forth. We live in a world of doubt, much more than we live in a world of hope and belief. And all this can compile to self doubt and a desire to protect ourselves from harm.
So then everyone asks, how does it feel to be back?
This time the answer is: it doesn’t feel good. And that is putting it lightly.
The sun is shining, the air is clear and the Vancouver water tastes as good as it ever did, but I am not glad to be back. The first few days were okay, but the last few have been a gradual decline. Energy level has felt immensely low and my errands/to do list is the thing that keeps me occupied.
I think only those that have lived abroad can relate to the feeling. Somewhat similar to a culture shock, but this time it’s not really that. I said I kept it “light” in a previous post, but in reality, it’s just been a different experience. There’s still people I miss, things I miss and routines that feel oddly absent. At the same time, there is almost no point talking about it because talking about it won’t make it better. It’s better to ignore it and realize that you must work with what you have. There’s nothing to complain about really, just to admit that I will probably always be a restless soul in my own home until I rebuild my life here (maybe more on that another time).
When it’s all said and done, it’s all worth it. Every time it is. It doesn’t matter if you feel sad afterwards. It’s about living in the moment, honouring the past and hoping for the future. It’s about that feeling of being alive; the feeling that may never get back if you walk away from the chance.
A few friends wrote me some really heartfelt notes to me before I left. It helps me appreciate the importance of being yourself. This blog started with that idea; just ordinary people doing ordinary things. With that, we can do extraordinary things.
Life is about feeling. It’s about making a difference. It’s about making your mark.
In the end, I think people just want to be understood. They want to know they matter.
If you have spent time with me abroad and took the time to invest in me, always remember that you matter.